Letting Go.

One of the reasons I was having such a hard time letting go was the rejection aspect.  There are people that I want to spend all my free time that intersects with theirs with them.  This is not to the exclusion of alone time, time with other friends, other responsibilities or time with God.  Our free time does not intersect very often, leaving much time for other friends and myself.  The major responsibility we have to do is studying; I greatly enjoy simply studying with them.  Time spent with them in the presence of God is ideal.  I’d much prefer that than simply time with them.  I love being around them.  They make me happy.  It used to be similar to this.  But the vice versa isn’t true. Boyfriends change that.  And that’s okay; that’s the way it should be.  I don’t and shouldn’t hold that place in their lives, especially not now because of their relationships. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt.  That doesn’t mean that letting go is easy. I am solely at fault here.  I allowed myself into a role that never should have been mine.

But then it hit me, God wants me.  God wants me all the time, not just my free time.  God wants me whether I’m sad or happy.  God wants me both by myself and with others.  God is always there.  And that’s incredible.  That’s more than I could ever want or ask for. He knows my heart; he knows my pain.  He knows every fiber of my heart and He still loves me.  He created the universe. He desires to be with me every moment. 

Symbolic

It’s symbolic in my mind darling.  Sitting on your bed or chair just feels really wrong.  It feels too much like before.  And things have changed.  I don’t belong here.  I don’t want to allow myself to sit on your bed like old times because it is a one-time thing.  It is too bittersweet.  It is too painful.  I don’t belong here.  Most days, your room makes me really uncomfortable. This is your and brain’s place. I don’t hold a bed-worthy or chair-worthy place in your life anymore.  This has nothing to do with my self worth, purely with my place in your life.  It feels wrong.  so so wrong. I don’t want to delude myself into thinking I do.

Floor

Realization: I don’t trust you anymore.  I don’t want to let you in again because I know it’s just going to end in getting hurt.

Hence why I’m sitting on your floor, not your bed or desk.  Things are very different now and I don’t want to encourage myself into believing our friendship will do anything other than fade away.

"Both rape and rape accusations are products of the roles assigned by rape culture. In the traditional seduction scenario, a woman is expected to not desire to have sex, and to only submit after the man has successfully coerced her into submission. When the preferred model for consensual sex looks a hell of a lot like rape, an array of fucked-up scenarios are inevitable: the woman never wanted to fuck the guy, refuses to submit, and is raped; the woman submits to the man’s coercion in order to avoid other negative consequences (like being raped); the woman had desired the sex all along, but must defend her femininity by saying that she had been coerced into sex."

- Amanda Hess, “False Rape Accusations and Rape Culture” (via angels-and-angles)

(via planets-in-a-rush)

Honestly

I don’t feel comfortable walking in or near your room anymore.  Your boyfriend is essentially around you all the time.  The few hours a week I see you without him, I can tell you’re too tired (from staying up with him until 6am) to spend time with anyone else.  

I don’t think I’m ever going to actually seek you out to talk anymore.  I love you and will always love you.  I will always here for you no matter what.  I’ll still wake up before 7am to drive you to class.  I’ll still make you little artsy things when you’re sad.  I’ll still send you random positive texts because I can.  I’ll still take care of you whenever you need it.  I’ll still always be your friend.  But, I just don’t feel comfortable asking you for help anymore.  If you wanted me in your life, you would have already made time for me that did not involve me third wheeling with a rather affectionate and intimate couple, something you know I strongly dislike.  I’ll still always be your friend, but I don’t see think it’s possible to be as close anymore.  I don’t think there’s anything you can do anymore to help you.

You said you were in love with him after two weeks of dating.  You and him honestly believe this is the lat relationship you’ll ever be in.  With that in mind, I don’t think our friendship will do much more than fade away.  I don’t see how it couldn’t.

I keep thinking back to that night at SLO DoCo.  I feel like that was the last night you were “mine.”  And by mine, I mean I was really close to you.  It was clear to your future boyfriend just how well I knew you and just how much we cared about each other.  Darling, you were the closest friend I had.  I miss you. I miss you a lot.  But I understand you’re happier now.  And I honestly do want that for you.  I love you.  Even if it means I fade away from your life, I want you to be happy.

Mini-Explosions

Why am I so confused? What is it that I need? What can I do to not feel this way?

What is my role in my friendships now? What should my role be? What can I expect it to be? Why do I feel like I’m losing them? I know I lost something, but what is it exactly? As selfish as this is, what do these changes mean for me, who I am and my life?

What is the truth about what happened to me? How can I make the truth my reality?

Am I self sabotaging?  Why am I passive about important decisions in my life? Am I afraid of success? What is good and “success” to me?  What am I holding on to? What do I need to let go of? Why am I afraid and hesitant about my future?

What is God telling me? 

Good :]

Ahhhhh. Two weeks and you’re in love. I don’t understand this, but I am truly happy for you.